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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28016430">make me love myself so that i might love you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>purpled angst, i guess [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Big brother Dream, Brothers, Dream Team SMP - Freeform, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Manberg-Pogtopia War on Dream Team SMP (Video Blogging RPF), Protective Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), it's my birthday so i wrote some angst :), purpled angst :), sap n gogy made a short appearance fsadljkkfdjsla, well its no longer my birthday but the angst was fun to write anyway :), yeah purpled isnt havin the Best of times, younger brother purpled</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:01:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,899</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28016430</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>purpled is sad n lonely, dre tries to cheer him up :)<br/>trigger warning in tags!!!</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t leave me again, please.”</p><p>“Wouldn’t dream of it, kid.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clay | Dream &amp; Grayson | Purpled (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream &amp; Kye Riddell, Fruitberries &amp; Kye Riddell, fruitberries &amp; clay | dream, they're all brothers your honor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>purpled angst, i guess [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071506</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>401</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>make me love myself so that i might love you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Purpled sat alone on the roof of his new base, looking at the stars. Over the course of the years, he’d grown used to looking at the night sky. He could always rely on the stars to be there. They made him feel less alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A gentle breeze blew leaves around in the sky. Purpled shivered slightly. He rubbed his arms, attempting to warm himself up a bit. He knew it was about time for him to sleep or at least go inside, but he couldn’t bring himself to. No one was awake at that hour. He didn’t have to hear anyone laughing or playing. He had time for silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t help but sigh. He hadn’t left his home in a while. He had nowhere to go, anyway. No one cared about him. They never did. If they did, they would’ve been there. They’d be sitting with him on the top of the roof, counting the stars with him. They’d be laughing with him, sharing inside jokes. He wouldn’t be alone all the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a while, loneliness took its toll on the kid. He felt weaker, both physically and mentally. He struggled to get himself out of bed in the morning. There was really no point, anyway. No one would be there to greet him when he got up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boy began to hum </span>
  <em>
    <span>Coconut Mall</span>
  </em>
  <span> quietly. He listened to that song often. It reminded him of Tommy, his old friend. They used to hang out before the war began. Purpled hadn’t gotten involved in the war because he didn’t want to choose a side. Tommy seemed to forget about Purpled after that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Purpled laid back to get a better view of the sky. He put his hands on the back of his head, his arms sticking out from either side. He sighed and closed his eyes. Sure, he wanted to look at the stars, but he was absolutely exhausted. If not sleep, the least he could do was close his eyes and relax a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought about a lot of things at night. Most of them about the stars, but sometimes he thought about what he had lost since he’d first joined. He lost friends, family, pets, homes. He’d watched everything from the sidelines. He cursed himself for not helping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes flew wide open when he heard laughter. He sat straight up and looked around. Although it was dark, the teen could see clearly. He watched as Dream, George, and Sapnap walked around the outskirts of New L’manburg. Purpled couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the laughter rang in his head. Dream pushed Sapnap away, George cackling loudly behind them. Dream’s mask was pushed to the side of his head. The only way Purpled knew that was when Dream turned and made eye contact with the younger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dream stopped dead in his tracks. His face fell as he stopped smiling. Purpled wanted to disappear. Sure, he wanted to be remembered or even </span>
  <em>
    <span>noticed</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but he was vulnerable in that moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sapnap and George might’ve noticed Purpled as well, but the teen couldn’t break eye contact with Dream. He tried to read the older’s expression, but he couldn’t. He finally tore his gaze away and looked down at his hands again. When had he started shaking?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t a religious boy, but he prayed to God that Dream wouldn’t come over there. He didn’t know if he could handle it. He’d just been emotional over being ignored. He was getting noticed. Isn’t that what he wanted? No. He wanted to know why he’d been left in the first place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kid!” Shit. How had Dream gotten there so fast? Purpled didn’t know. He looked down at the man. He had pulled his mask over his face again. Sapnap and George were nowhere in sight. Where had they even gone? “I’m coming up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t bother.” Purpled pursed his lips and turned away. “You haven’t cared enough to come here before, so why is now different?” Dream looked slightly hurt. Purpled hadn’t meant to be mean, but he thought he deserved to be after how he’d been treated by Dream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was busy.” Dream pulled himself up onto the roof. It wasn’t too far above the ground. He moved to sit closer to Purpled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too busy to come check on me?” Purpled looked away from the older. He didn’t want to have a conversation with Dream. He knew that he’d mostly likely get angry and burn himself out again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, there’s been a w-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if I was dead? What if I had just left? Be honest, were you even planning on seeing me tonight?” Purpled interrupted. Dream frowned slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know that I care about you.” Purpled knew that Dream didn’t know how to respond in a way that wouldn’t hurt his feelings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have a shitty way of showing it.” Purpled pulled out an apple from his inventory and took a bite out of it. He knew it might’ve been a bad time to eat, but he was hungry. He’d been eating less each day despite the abundance of food in the chests outside his house. The hoodie he’d stolen from Dream was much too large for him to wear anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dream didn’t respond. Purpled had left him speechless. Good. Dream deserved to know how much pain the teen had gone through. The older one shifted slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you out here so late anyway?” Purpled didn’t mind Dream redirecting the conversation. He didn’t want to yell at his eldest brother. He bit his lip and finally turned to look at Dream again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like looking at the stars. I had a friend that I used to stargaze with before we came here.” Purpled didn’t open up much about his past before he was taken in by Dream. Mostly because no one ever bothered to ask. “He stopped messaging me months ago. I miss him sometimes.” He took another bite from his apple before throwing the core onto the ground. He knew that Eighty wouldn’t come back. “Everyone I care about leaves me, Dream.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t left you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. You don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>get</span>
  </em>
  <span> to say that.” Oh, fuck. The repressed anger was beginning to spill and Purpled didn’t know if he wanted to stop it. “You ignored me for so long. You forgot about my fucking birthday. I’ve reached out to you multiple times! I-I needed you! I still do! But you’re never here.” He was vaguely aware of the hot tears streaming down his face. “Don’t act like you’ve been here for me when we both know that you’re lying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Purp, I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Let me speak, goddamni</span>
  </em>
  <span>t!” Purpled stood up on the roof. Dream looked up at him. “I’ve been alone for so long and you haven’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>thought</span>
  </em>
  <span> about checking up on me. You’re only here tonight out of pity.” The boy wiped the tears off his face violently, but they were almost immediately replaced with new ones. He sat back down with a quiet sob. “Why did you leave me, Dream?” It was a nearly silent question, but Purpled could practically hear Dream’s heart break.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kid, I never meant to leave you,” Dream said softly. He wrapped his arms around Purpled as he spoke. “I just kept getting busier and busier and I haven’t had time for anyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop. Stop lying to me. Tell me the truth.” Purpled, despite being upset, gripped the back of Dream’s hoodie tightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not lying to you. I was out tonight to get something I commissioned from Niki and Fundy. I was going to give it to you in the morning. I didn’t leave you. I didn’t forget. I never will.” Purpled buried his head into Dream’s shoulder. The tears had slowed down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dream released Purpled from his grip. He wiped the few stray tears off of Purpled’s face and smiled gently. Purpled gave a wobbly smile back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you two done yet? I’m tired of holding this cake.” The two boys turned to the source of the voice. It was George calling up. Sapnap kicked George’s leg.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You ruined the moment, dumbass,” said Sapnap with a frown. Dream chuckled. Sapnap was holding something in his hands, but Purpled couldn’t see what it was. “Get down here already and help me beat his ass, Dream!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dream rolled his eyes before turning to Purpled. “C’mon, I’ll show you what I got you.” Dream hopped down off the roof. Purpled climbed down using the vines on the side of the house. He walked over to the three reluctantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ew, a child.” George scrunched his nose. Purpled rolled his eyes. He stood in front of the three men awkwardly. He rubbed his arm nervously. Dream cleared his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could we come inside?” He asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah! Sorry.” Purpled laughed awkwardly. Man, everything the kid did in front of them was awkward after he’d snapped at Dream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The boy led the group into his house. It was small and there was a giant hole in the floor, but it was fine. All four of them dodged it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He brought them upstairs into his room. There was a small table in the middle of it. Purpled pulled out the single chair at the table and George took a seat. Purpled sighed and went to craft more chairs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>About five minutes passed, and Purpled had three new chairs. He set them down around the table. Everyone took a seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Purpled didn’t make eye contact with any of them. They sat in silence for a few seconds before Dream cleared his throat. He nudged Purpled’s arm. He looked up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sapnap, hand me the thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What thing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Purpled’s present.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh! </span>
  <em>
    <span>That</span>
  </em>
  <span> thing.” Sapnap grabbed the present and set it on the table. He slid it over to Dream. Dream handed it to Purpled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked Fundy to get this for me. It was supposed to be finished two months ago on your birthday, but he couldn’t get the code to work. Anyway, it’s finished now.” Purpled opened the box. A small communicator-like thing sat in the middle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Purpled pulled it out. He weighed it in his hand and turned it around to look at it. He pressed the button in the middle of it. Suddenly, a hologram appeared in front of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Illumi, who’s calling this late?” Fruitberries’ voice alone made Purpled smile. Illumina was the only thing the boys could see. Illumina turned on a light. Purpled saw both Illumina and Fruitberries. Fruit looked tired, but incredibly happy once he saw the projection. Fruit took off his mask while Illumina lowered his face covering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, guys.” Purpled giggled. He was getting giddy. He hadn’t spoken to his other brothers in a while. Fruit beamed at them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Purpled! Hi!” Fruit shoved Illumina out of frame. “How’ve you been? We haven’t talked in so long!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been lonely, but overall well!” That was a half lie. Purpled was lonely, but he wasn’t well. “What about you two? I’ve missed you both so much.” Sapnap and George had slipped out of the room. Dream was out of frame, but still next to Purpled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been great! We just escaped Hypixel, we’re wanted criminals now by the way, and now we’re headed back home!” Fruit seemed a bit too excited about being a wanted criminal, but Purpled really didn’t care. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’ve been okay,” Illumina cut in, “there’s a bounty on both of our heads now because </span>
  <em>
    <span>someone</span>
  </em>
  <span> decided it would be a good idea to steal from the server owner.” He glared at Fruit, who looked away. “We’re going home until things die down. Good news is that no one else knows where we live. Bad news is that you two may be hunted down as well.“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, if any of you get me arrested again, I’m going to lose it.” Dream finally moved into the frame. Fruit’s smile got impossibly larger. Illumina grinned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dream!” Fruit beamed. Illumina rolled his eyes, but smiled as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve gone so muscular, holy shit,” Fruit said. Dream chuckled at that. “Seriously! Purpled looks like a twig sitting next to you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh c’mon, I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> skinny.” Purpled laughed nervously. Was he that skinny? Could they tell?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You kind of are, actually.” Fruit’s playful tone had turned into one of concern. Dream turned back to Purpled and leaned in closer to whisper something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you take your hoodie off? I need to see something.” Purpled hesitated, but complied. He was silently panicking on the inside. Purpled hadn’t looked at himself in the mirror in so long, but even he knew how skinny he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ,” Fruit said, looking at Purpled through his device. Purpled looked away. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Dream placed a hand on Purpled’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When was the last time you ate?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When we were up on the roof, I had an apple-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t mean that. Did you eat before that?” Dream asked. Purpled bit his lip. The three boys staring at him and waited in anticipation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Purpled said quietly. He couldn’t fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you eat anything yesterday?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“. . .No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The day before that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I had a baked potato?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>think? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Purp, why haven’t you been eating?” Illumina asked finally. “Don’t say because you don’t have any food, I know about the chests and the farm.” Purpled hugged himself. He wanted to put his hoodie back on. At least it made him seem slightly bigger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t hungry.” Purpled shrugged, trying to change the subject. Dream shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bullshit.” Purpled stood up, trying to back away. He was visibly panicking then. Dream grabbed his wrist. “Kid. Please.” Dream’s gaze softened. “We just want to help. Breathe with me, alright? You’re going to be okay.” Dream rubbed circles into Purpled’s hand. Purpled took a shaky breath in. He breathed in and out with Dream for about thirty seconds. Fruitberries and Illumina waited patiently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Purpled sat back down again. Dream let go of his wrist. Purpled reached for his hoodie, but Dream shot him a look that told him to leave it off. That meant that Purpled was stuck in his undershirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Purpled,” Fruit started. Purpled turned to the projection again. “Why haven’t you been eating?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just…didn’t want to, I guess,” the youngest confessed. “I didn’t feel the need to eat, y’know? If I was just going to be alone, why take care of myself at all?” Purpled fidgeted uncomfortably. “None of you have made an effort to contact me until now. I felt so alone. I still do, even though I’m not anymore.” Purpled felt his throat close up. He couldn’t breathe again. Why was it so hard to just speak? His vision was focusing and unfocusing. He tried to gasp for air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stood up again, desperately trying to get away. He needed space. He needed to be alone. Apparently, he’d grown accustomed to loneliness. He felt overwhelmed by how many people there were. How much he had to speak. All the questions they kept asking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He started to tug at his hair. He tried to get to the stairs. He knew people were calling for him, but he couldn’t hear them. They were drowned out by his thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t realize he’d made it outside somehow until he felt a gentle breeze. Why couldn’t he breathe?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled at his hair again, ripping a few strands out. The pain felt good. He deserved it after his outburst in front of his brothers. He couldn’t just let people have a good time, huh. He may not have been the one to bring up how he was feeling as of late, but he was the one who was overreacting. He didn’t need to worry his brothers, yet he was doing it anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He suddenly felt someone grip his wrists tightly. Purpled could make out the white mask. It was Dream. He was desperately trying to pull Purpled’s hands away from his head before he hurt himself any more. Purpled struggled against his grip, but Dream was too strong. After pushing Purpled’s hands back down, he put his hands on Purpled’s face. The younger boy focused on his brother. He understood that Dream was trying to ground him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Purpled took in quick, shaky breaths. Dream was saying something. Purpled couldn’t tell what he was saying, but he recognized that Dream was trying to get him to take slow, deep breaths.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The teen calmed down slightly. He felt himself melt into his eldest brother’s touch. He was so lonely, yet he wasn’t even alone anymore. He just needed to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy.</span>
  </em>
  <span> That’s what everyone wanted him to be. Happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dream let go of Purpled’s face and immediately pulled him into a tight hug. Purpled then realized that Dream was crying, maybe even harder than Purpled was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Purpled hadn’t meant to cry at all that night, but he was at the grand total of three times in the past two hours. Fucking pathetic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Purpled whispered into Dream’s chest. Dream had his head on top of Purpled’s, his hand on the back of Purpled’s head as well. His other arm was wrapped around Purpled, pulling the teen closer. Purpled gripped the back of Dream’s hoodie, afraid that Dream would leave if he left go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, you’re okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t leave me again, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wouldn’t dream of it, kid.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>please leave a comment it's my birthday (december 11th) :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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